Boy will I be glad when this year is over. I don’t mean to come off as ungrateful, I know many things have happened to me to be thankful for but despite that, it has been the worst year of my life, by far. Among the good things this year has brought is the gift of sight, which I gave myself for Christmas this year, in LASIK surgery. Getting rid of the need of glasses and contacts has been a great joy. I will not miss them. Also, I have finally signed with a good manager for my music, Steve Phillips of Full Fidelity Productions. He and his resources will most definitely help me reach my career goals in music. Also, my strides as a filmmaker have remarkably exceeded my expectations. I’m so happy with the videos Unknown Prophet Pictures have released this year and especially my work as an editor. This has been a dream of mine since the first movies I remember watching as a child. I love the whole process of film-making from the ideas to the production to the editing to watching and everything in between. I’m so proud to be considered a part of such a wonderful realm of creation. I could go on for hours about all the good things that have happened to me and that I’ve made happen this past year but I still consider this to be the worst year I will ever face and I’m glad to soon be rid of it.
Most recently, on Thanksgiving I woke with a twinge in my lower back and left leg. By the afternoon the twinge turned into a sharp pain. I managed the pain by sitting with a pillow jammed under my lumbar but it still continued to get worse. By Saturday, I faced the daunting task of riding in my dad’s van in the 7 hour trip back home from my sister’s place in Wyoming. I made it about 20 minutes before I had to beg my dad to pull over. The pain was so intense, I was in tears. The problem was that it hurt to sit but it also hurt to stand and walk. My dad suggested that I lay on the floor of the van which turned out to be the only relief from this new found monster. I spent the entire trip lying on the floor like that. I had never experienced this type of pain and I just expected it to start to feel better at any moment. By Tuesday spending almost every moment lying flat on my bed, I finally decided to call a back specialist. They, of course, couldn’t see me until the next Monday. The research I had done clued me in that it was nerve pain on my Sciatic Nerve. I am extremely lucky to have the option of working from home on a laptop the company has loaned me and they were very supportive in my turmoil. Long story short, with a few doctor’s visits, an MRI, and now Physical Therapy the results is that I have a herniated disc between my L4 and L5 which is pinching my Sciatic Nerve for which I received a cortisone shot which helped but the Physical Therapy finally relieved my pain. 6 weeks or so of not being able to stand or walk let alone sit upright, plus I’m a side sleeper so sleep had been tough and slim. In the worst of it, it was the most intense physical pain I have ever felt and it was constant unless lying flat on my back. Of course the pain doesn’t stop there, with my high deductible Healthcare plan, the bills with take me down financially.
Close to the beginning of this year I had the misfortune of reconnecting with a girl from my past who ended up lying and betraying me on such a deep level that I no longer have the ability to trust the opposite sex even a little, let alone any desire to share their company in dating and relationship settings. It’s just not for me anymore. These days I believe in love and marriage like I believe in a million dollars. Do others have it? Yes. Could I work really hard toward it but likely never achieve it? Yes. Will I ever see it in my life? No, and I’ve made my peace with that. Much like being a millionaire, I do still think about it, maybe even write songs about finding it and I know how it could make the rest of my life easier, it’s just not worth putting effort toward it and it’s far from my priority. I’ve never really been motivated by money and now I’m no longer motivated by love; not romantic love anyway.
And of course, there’s the loss of my mom. I mean loss in every sense of the word. I am no longer the person I was before her death and I will never be that person again. My survival as of late has been contingent upon a certain level of numbness. It seems these days I’m cursed to either feel immense emotional pain or nothing at all and feeling nothing has been winning my attention. Christmas and the whole holiday season used to be my favorite time of year. This year I couldn’t even put up a tree for fear of this pain. No decorations. No lights. I did spend Christmas Day with my Dad and a few siblings and I was lucky to only shed a few tears. It helped that I was high off my rocker from the pain meds of my eye surgery a couple days before. I’ve said most of what I want to say in my last blog about my mom. I’m glad the daily random weepings have lessened. I know I’ll get through this. Time heals all wounds. I just am worried about who I will be when all is said and done.
This post was not meant to be the downer it has become. This is not meant to inspire a mob rally against 2014 as much as a brighter look ahead. 2015 will be my year. I know it will. Life has beaten me down and I’m still breathing. It’s not always fun to discover the level of your resilience but once known it sure can inspire a level of courage that you didn’t even think existed. Onward and upward, my friends. I’ve hit rock bottom and I promise you I will bounce back. You just wait and see.