Those of you who know me personally or have read my past blogs know that this has been a rough year for me. Dropping my optimism for realism, dealing with the loss of hope, and struggling to lose weight (I’m down 12 lbs, btw, woo!) to name a few things. Part of the change I’ve come through is exchanging the hopelessness for a more realistic romanticism and in reality I may never find a woman who I can share my life with. That may sound depressing to some of you but really, I’ve accepted it and I’ve found ways to be happy beyond a serious relationship. These days I define myself by who I am not by who I’m with (or not with, as was usually the case). Though the catalyst was less than desirable, this change has been the most freeing in my life and it feels good to have some certainties guiding me. On the Jungian Personality spectrum, I’m an INTJ, The Scientist, so faith has never been a strong suit for me. I like proof, evidence, and reality.

Now, all that being said, I do still have to deal with loneliness. My life is so full. Full of music. Full of Film. Full of a long list of to-do items that I actually want to do. I love it. But I am human and humans need humans. I may not need a serious relationship or a wife or kids or anyone to call me ‘theirs’ but having zero physical contact with the opposite sex can be rough. Sometimes you just want to be held. When your emotions well up and you’re on the verge of crying, I usually lean into it and watch some romantic or human spirit movies and just let the dam break. After all, I am an All or None kind of person. Well, the other night I could feel this pang so I decided to fall asleep one of my favorite romantic movies, Serendipity. John Cusack and Jeremy Piven were perfect and this is the first movie that made me fall in love withKate Beckinsale. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times and it’s been a favorite for years. I still remember the first time I saw it and the girl I saw it with. 😉 Though, this time was odd. It was weird watching this kind of movie without my usual shroud of hopeless romance. It’s like when you see your favorite movies as a kid now and it hits you, all the things you didn’t understand about it. It’s usually either much better or much, much worse than you remember.

Serendipity is a beautiful story and very inspiring…that is, if you watch it with tunnel vision on the main characters. If this story happened in real life, the pain left in its wake would be devastating. This time watching it, I couldn’t help but feel the anguish of the people the main characters didn’t end up with. The fiancé played by the talented and beautiful Bridget Moynahan, John Corbitt’s character, the self-involved musician (funny that I related to him so much), and not to forget that the main characters were each in serious relationships when they met! The musician was an easier pill to swallow since he was so selfish and didn’t treat her with the respect she deserves, but Bridget’s character was a rough one to relate to. Let’s shift perspective and watch the story of her life. She’s smart. She’s beautiful. She meets this great guy and falls in love. They could have been dating for years and they move in together, committed, engaged, just madly in love. Then she gets dumped on her wedding day! ON HER WEDDING DAY! And really, the only thing she did wrong was she wasn’t “the one”. How effed up is that?

Years ago, a friend of mine was going through a divorce and she shared with me her reasons were all centered on that fact that she fell out of love with him. He didn’t beat her? He didn’t cheat on her? She just fell out of love with him? Wait, that can happen? My world shattered a bit that day. Yes, I was young and naive but that was a real bummer. My life up to that point was so focused on falling into love, I had no idea once I got there it could just magically disappear without warning. How could I ever trust just a fickle concept?

Well, needless to say I watched the whole movie then lied awake for a few hours feeling every ounce of loneliness life has to offer. Body pillows don’t do you any good when you are that in the thick of it. I finally dozed off around 6 am. On a weekday. FML.